Less than Perfect

I think that one of the most difficult things for every person on this planet is the idea of love. It's a universal feeling, it exists everywhere, everyone tries to find it, most do, some will never, it makes you complete, it tears your apart, its the most volatile thing on this planet.

One too many times I've experienced these side effects. Whether or not I'd like to call it "true love" or not is questionable, but all I can say is that to the best of my ability, I felt it.

I've felt the highest of highs and lowest of lows, I've cried through the pain and smiled through the butterflies, learning something new about myself and relationships each time.

I can honestly say I've never felt this feeling before though, and I will close with this:

"If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

Thingscanjustnevergothewayyoudreamthemtobecanthey?

Life isn't long, there will be pain but life goes on, with every day, a brand new song

"It's all part of a bigger plan"

If you're like me, when you're working through issues or struggling through hard times, when someone tells you this, all you really want to do is give them a nice, big, *PUNCH* in the face. I mean, what do they really know about what you're actually going through right now?

Instead, you smile, nod your head, and say, "Yeah, I hope so."

Later, you start to wonder about this "bigger plan" everyone is telling you about. You sit there for hours trying to figure it out, thinking through every plausible situation, every different ending, get mad, and ask yourself "Why do things have to be like this?" and later just give up, knowing you can't really do much about it, besides put your trust in God.

It's funny, that when you do put your trust in Him, let things flow, do what you can to help yourself, and just relinquish some of the control you once had over everything, how things start to fall into place. Not always how you wanted them to, or thought that they would, but you begin to see the bigger picture, piece by piece.

So let me leave you with this piece of advice today-
"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

Now she's forgiven the harms of her past, She'll take a message somewhere it will last she fails where she fails but she's trying, and growing up fast

It's funny those times in life, when you've spent hours and hours, days upon days, thinking about yourself, and what's going on in your life, you come to a standstill, and all of a sudden - you have an epiphany.

You don't understand it. You don't know why it is the way it is, or why you feel the way you feel, you simply can't place your finger on a specific reason as to how it happened in the first place.

Lately, I've seen these "epiphanies" occurring all around me. Whether its been in my own life, or the lives of my friends, I have always came to the same conclusion. No one can recall a certain thought or event that led to this sudden realization.

The past couple of days, I've wondered if this is the work of God. I mean how could you just all of a sudden have this sudden clear of conscious or push to do something on your own? Someone or something has to be responsible for that. As human beings, we are hardwired to be logical, process oriented beings. And this random "light bulb" that goes off in our lives, is completely illogical and unplanned and must be from an outside force.

I'm not saying I'm right, heck, even after 11 years of Christian schools, I still don't know that much about God. He's just really starting to show himself in different ways and situation in my life, after so many months of my own doubt, questioning, and sometimes anger at him.

Like what a friend of mine recently said, "I hide, he finds, He hides, and I have not the slightest idea of where to begin to look for him" ...but instead of me trying to look for him, I believe that he is starting to look for me again, and to call me back into his arms.

Lessons in Life

Lately, a lot has been going on in my life. I've struggled with things I've never had to before, wrestled with thoughts, ideas, and emotions, and most importantly, I've come to realize that, like what John Mayer once so wisely said in the lines of one of his songs, that "I've finally overcame trying to fit the world inside a picture frame."

Lesson #1: I've always known that disappointment is one of my greatest fears in life. Whether that's disappointing myself, someone else, or something else, its just always something I never wanted to do. I'm an achiever and a competitor, and it's just part of my nature to never disappoint.

I have come to realize lately that disappointment isn't necessarily failure to achieve what you expect yourself to achieve in any given situation, but that it is getting a result that isn't necessarily bad but just something different then what someone else or yourself was looking for. So in other words, disappointment doesn't equal failure, it equals surprise.

Disappointment is no longer a fear of mine.

Lesson #2: I've begun to understand what real strength is. I didn't figure this out until this morning. Not only is strength fighting through the hard times and situations, but its overcoming the idea that you aren't strong enough to do what you have to do. I overcame this notion that I am too weak about ten minutes ago. Strength isn't just fighting through something just to get by, strength is fighting through something to come out even STRONGER.

Lesson #3: No matter how hard you try to keep things the way you want them to go, God always throws something unexpected at you. LIFE IS ALWAYS IS UNEXPECTED. Don’t ever forget that! If it was expected it’d be so boring, and how would we ever learn anything?

I'm the type A kind of person who loves to have everything planned out ahead of time, loves itineraries and schedules, structures and routine, so its very in my nature to have things in my head planned out ahead of time, and to try to steer them onto that path. However, this characteristic (not flaw) of mine, has led me into my downfall in numerous areas. Because, when you try soo hard to make things go perfectly and smoothly, and try even harder to not make mistakes, you end up making them.

Lesson #4: EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES. Yes, it took me this long to really understand that. As much as I want to be perfect, I’m never going to be. I’m a human; God created me a sinful, imperfect being. Just as much as I need forgiveness from God and other people for my mistakes, I need to be just as forgiving.

Lesson #5: Be bold. Be beautiful. Be courageous. It’s so much easier that way! Just let go and have fun. Be confident in who you are, all your abilities, all your strengths and weaknesses, and even the times you think you’ve messed up. Work it! Own it! Embrace yourself! If you aren’t going too, the who is? Life will go on, it never stops. Days, minutes, and hours, are a constant. They’re not going to stop and wait for you to suck it up and deal with it. I’m still in the process of learning this, but I’ve identified it, and I’m working on it. =)

Lesson #6: All hope is never lost. Keep your head up, always! No matter how hard it seems. Even when you’re at the lowest of lows and feel like you could still go even lower, turn to your friends, the people you trust, the ones who have your back no matter what. They’re there for you, and to help you at, and to help you keep your head up, and see the things you maybe didn’t want to see before. They will help you fight through until something better happens.

Lesson #8: Understand that healing takes time. Yeah, it is so hard, to deal with whatever you’re going through, but each day it gets a little easier. And they are going to be days where you take five steps back. But remember, from the words of Tupac, “Through every dark night, there’s a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep your head up.... and handle it.” Allow yourself time to make decisions about things; see things for what they really are. This does not necessarily mean moving on from whatever you’re going through, but learning to understand it, learn from it, heal from it, and grow through it.

Lesson #7: There is ALWAYS going to be haters. ALWAYS. They're always going to be the people who are waiting for you to fail, the ones who hope something bad will happen to you, the ones who are going to go out of their own way to try and cause you pain or hurt, and the ones who just down right do not like you. You have to learn how to shake it off, realize how much bigger of a person you are than them, and not let them and all of their childish games get to you. Because you know you are too good to let that bring you down. On the other side though, there are always going to be the people that root for you, want the best for you, and will give you the help you need and the shoulder to cry on when you need one. HANG ON TO THESE PEOPLE.

Lesson #8: There is always a silver lining! Yeah, none of us are ever going to understand half of the pain we go through during our lives. Like I said in the lesson before, there is always hope, and along with that hope, comes something good out of everything. I firmly believe that God will never let you experience something you aren’t able to handle. Out of these situations, God always finds something good to teach us. We just have to be open to learning things, and being patient about what God is trying to show us. If you aren’t going to be open about it, then the pain isn’t worth it, and all has happened in vain. Don’t allow yourself to let that happen.

Now back to what I was saying about John Mayer's words earlier - what happens in the world is almost never what you expect. It's full of twists and turns, ups and downs, and the moment we think we understand it and have everything figured out, it turns out we were anything but.

I know a lot of these things are kind of common knowledge and or cliché, and as people and as friends we say these things all the time to people in need of help, but I really have seen these and experienced and learned these in my life, especially recently. I’ve known about them my entire life, and have always considered them things to live by, but I never really experienced the full meaning of them until recently. I hope what I had to say can help you out today, next week, or the next time you run into a problem, and just need a few words from a friend.

I am ever grateful to the people who helped me learn these things. Thank You.

-N

Small Start

I've always seen writing as work; something that should only be done in school, something more along the lines of a chore, rather then an outlet for feelings and creativity. I've tried before to force it out into something with some substance, perhaps for a poetry assignment in school, or the days I sat on my bed wishing i was a rockstar and start writing "meaningful" words in lines, pretending they'll be the lyrics to a billboard top 100 song one day. I've always looked up to the people who could convey their emotions and thoughts on to paper in such beautiful ways; I was always the one who wished they had that ability. Well, the reality is, I probably never will, but lately, I've just found writing has changed from being a "pest" in my life, to something that I enjoy and have compulses to do, and find myself doing almost daily now. I believe I have finally found that joy of writing. I hope that whlie reading my thoughts, ideas, emotions, that you too, will enjoy them as much as I have. I hope that just once, there will be a few words or a sentence that you read, and just go "wow."